The Origin of the Plague

There are many among the so called 'Scientific Community' who hold firm to the theory that plague was brought to these fair shores by vermin. It is true that rats, filthy denizens of the dark places into which we dare not venture, are bound to carry myriad diseases and that their very presence is an ill portent. However, we do the furry ones a disservice by associating them with the horror that is plague. No, the real culprit is the French.

Black rat: innocent

For several decades, the French people have held hot water at bay with all the same determination as they do with their sinister Catholic campaign against the Huguenots. Left to fester, the French form grows fecund. Obscene growths gather in the moister places such as in the troos and behind the ears. The Frenchman pays no heed to these growths, believing as he does that they are the physical manifestation of the very 'Spirit of France', and that cleansing himself or scraping them off would be tantamount to blasphemy. If it is one thing a Frenchman fears more than water, it is his vile panoply of gods.

Thus, the fungoid Frenchman harbours such festering horrors as we English will never comprehend. This, combined with his preponderance to travel by ship to our shore en masse whenever the opportunity may be contrived (the French are obsessed with our, superior, nation - as evidenced by their continual, vain attempts at military invasion), means we are ever at risk of contamination.

An hour after French sailors arrived in Portsmouth

I have contacted my local Member of Parliament by letter with a suggestion that new laws are passed forbidding entry to our great nation to all Frenchmen on pain of death by hanging. I happen to know the honourable gentlemen through my treatment of his daughter, who I saved from the jaws of death just last month. I trust he will therefore sympathise with my notion and strive to have it endorsed by the House no later than next Wednesday.

If you suspect a French is present (the stench is a reliable indicator) whilst going about your daily business, be sure to remain at least twenty paces apart from him and notify your local constabulary as soon as is possible. If the opportunity arises, try to shoot him with a bow. Just say I, John Hands, permitted it.

JOHN HANDS